An email epistle from year 2011

Published in the Mille Lacs Messenger, Feb. 23, 2011

Greetings and salutations from Sacred Bunker #7.
I am aware that the canned goods are running low, but don’t despair.
A little review of the last century’s history will strengthen your faith by reminding you that a way out is always provided when things look bleak.

Recall the words of our founder, Brother Mike Beard. When Brother Mike was a little-known state representative from the Holy See of Shakopee, Minnesota, a century ago, in 2011, he was interviewed by the unbelieving environmentalist Don Shelby.
In MinnPost Chapter 2, verse 26, dated Feb. 18, 2011, Brother Beard said, “God is not capricious. He’s given us a creation that is dynamically stable. We are not going to run out of anything.”
The events of the last century have proven him right.
In 2020, as the enemies of the faith were telling people the oil was running out, we learned that oil didn’t actually come from a limited amount of organic matter created over hundreds of millions of years, as the scientists said. In fact, the whole center of the earth is made of oil, like the chocolate center of the Tootsie Pops our bunker stockers so graciously provided. The more oil we use, the more it is replenished by an almighty hand.
When rising sea levels and temperatures led to a mass exodus from coastal and tropical cities in 2050, many thought the scientists were right in their silly “climate change” predictions. We knew better. Science, after all, is just another false religion. Those disasters were ordained from above to fool the scientists into thinking they were right!
In 2075, when the global population soared and the faithless claimed that a worldwide famine had killed billions, we know that manna fell from heaven, just like in the Hebrews’ day.
When water shortages resulted in the abandonment of Los Angeles and Las Vegas in 2090, some claimed that the aquifers had been irreversibly depleted. We know that those cities are modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah, and once they are cleansed of sinners, the aquifers will flow like the waters of the river Jordan.
The rewriting of sacred history has been going on since the beginning of time. Centuries ago, an explorer named Ponce De Leon found the Fountain of Youth in Florida, but the scientists and liberal government covered up the discovery in order to oppress the faithful masses, just as they had done with the “mythical” Shangri-La.
In the 1900s, the government, with the help of the media, pretended to send a man to the moon. Fortunately, a remnant of believers knew that “outer space” was a myth, and a fixed firmament separated the waters above from the waters below, just like Moses wrote in Genesis.
I have heard tell of apostates in some bunkers who claim we are here because of something called “nuclear fallout.”
In fact, when the fictional “nuclear weapons” exploded around the world in 2103, the only fallout was the blanket of rose petals that mysteriously fell from the sky.
Again, the media, the government and the scientists conspired to convince us that the world had become uninhabitable. They chased the remaining believers into the Seven Sacred Bunkers.
Remember, brethren, we are not here because the land is barren. We are here because the government thugs are waiting outside to mow us down like rabbits if we attempt to escape and tell the truth.

Brett Larson is the editor of the Messenger.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s