Breaking news: Dumbass petitions White House on treaty rights

J.K., a certifiable dumbass, has submitted a petition to the White House to deny Ojibwe Indians their fishing rights enshrined in the Treaty of 1837 and recognized by a 1999 Supreme Court ruling.

The dumbass petition is rife with basic errors that the average third grader would avoid: spelling errors like “tries” instead of “tribes” and “Resource” instead of “Resources,” not to mention the failure to end a sentence with a period. Junior-high-level rules are also broken by said dumbass, like the proper use of hyphens and colons.

J.K., the aforementioned dumbass, enshrines him or herself in the annals of dumbassery by his or her failure to adhere to the basic rules of standard English.

J.K., the dumbass, makes a strong case for his or her inclusion in the Dumbass Hall of Fame with a series of sentences demonstrating that he or she is barely literate.

It should be noted that the dumbass writer may understand that his or her audience is a bunch of dumbasses who wouldn’t know a comma from a hole in the ground, and that the members of the Trump administration who review such petitions are themselves dumbasses upon whom standards of basic grammar are entirely lost, and who could not identify a sentence fragment to save their lives.

The tone of J.K.’s petition indicates that the petition is serious, in spite of the common meaning of his or her initials — further evidence that J.K. is indeed a dumbass.

Two hundred and eleven other dumbasses have signed on to the petition, which requires only an additional 99,789 dumbass signatories by March 30 to get a dumbass response from the White House.

For the complete dumbass text of the dumbass petition, visit this dumbass website.


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