I have something to tell you that’s a little hard to say, and may be a little hard for you to hear, but here goes: You don’t like me enough.
Facebook is a kind of social contract, and when you accepted my friend request, or I yours, you were basically committing to a certain number of clicks on my posts.
I regret to inform you that you are not holding up your end of the deal.
I take partial responsibility. I only have 180 friends, mainly because I haven’t asked many people to be my friend. I’m Swedish, so I consider it a character flaw to try to make friends.
But now that we’re stuck with each other, believe me when I tell you that your output of “likes” has been well below mine, so you need to step up your game.
Imagine how I feel when another 50-something guy posts a photo of himself as The Dude from a Halloween party and gets 80 likes. If I did the same, I’d be lucky to get two: my wife, and Margo Bonneville, my childhood friend Chris’s mom, and my current favorite person in the universe.
I didn’t even get 80 likes when my mom died, for crying out loud.
What’s wrong with you people?
You may want to turn the tables on me and say I’m also guilty of not liking you enough, but I will deny the charge. I am profligate with my likes.
I like things even if I don’t really like them. I like your new profile pic, even though it’s little overexposed. I like the picture of you in the your Halloween costume, even though it’s more than a little overdone.
I even like photos of your kids, even though I don’t like photos of kids, or kids, for that matter (at least other people’s kids).
I mean, do you have that much more integrity than I do, that you can’t “like” something just to be nice, even if you don’t like it? Do you think you have to read my blog post or listen to my song before clicking “like”? I’m here to tell you: You don’t! Just click “like” for cripe’s sakes! There won’t be a quiz! You can even share it and comment to your friends that you don’t actually like it, but you’re just sharing it to be nice to the desperate old guy who posted it.
Or is the truth even worse, as I fear, that you actually don’t like me and my photos, and my blog posts, and my links, and my songs, and my clever and pithy commentary on current events?
I have to admit that I don’t actually like all of you, either. In fact, I have blocked many of you because I find your posts and comments annoying. I apologize for that, but I don’t want to open my Facebook page in the morning and see a link to Fox News or the NRA. If you want to do the same to me, more power to you.
Which makes me a little afraid that I’ve offended just about everyone over the years, so of my 180 friends, only the dozen or so who still “like” me actually see my posts.
I guess I can’t blame you if that’s the case, but have I really been just as annoying as you? Is it the strident, left-wing links? I think not, because most of my friends are lefties (except the ones I’ve blocked).
Is it the self-promotional links to my blog, and my music? If so, gimme a break. I’m a writer, so I need to try to get some damn clicks, and I put heart and soul and hours of effort into those blog posts and songs, not to mention the years of training and experience (and drinking) that I have invested in my various crafts.
As for you, you fart out a sentence and the bloody angels rejoice, judging by all the love you get.
I admit I can get a little wordy, but you gotta give me credit for output. I mean, yeah, that last post was 4,000 words, but every one was a gem! (And if you disagree, at least “like” the effort! Isn’t quantity worth the fraction of a second it takes to hit “like”?)
I also have a few words for the lurkers out there. Going on Facebook and never admitting it is like being a Peeping Tom. You get to see me in my underwear, but I don’t even know you’re out there. If you’re scrolling around on Facebook, you owe it to your friends to let them know. Like something. Post something. Or (God forbid!) SHARE something one of your wannabe writer friends posted in which he really cut open a vein, or summed something up perfectly, or just had a few nice turns of phrase.
And please, don’t just post when you have to promote yourself! Join the party. We’re not your damn customers; we’re your friends.
You have to admit that for every bit of self-promotion I do, I post half a dozen inane or banal comments, which get more likes that the stuff I’ve slaved over, poured heart and soul into, and posted with fear and trepidation and risk to my fragile ego because I MIGHT NOT GET ENOUGH DAMN LIKES!!!
And now that you know the truth, remember that you are not the one I was taking jabs at with all the passive-aggressive insults in this post.
I like you. I really do.